Monday, May 08, 2006

Bloody Monday

I love going to the mailbox, almost without reservation, even with its contant freight of bills, coupons, promises of free panties from Victoria's Secret. Some days, when you're a writer, you find that SASE you prepared some time ago: weeks, months, perhaps even years. My SASE's are meticulous, addressed by my printer, complete with printed postage. It's a little antiseptic, sterile, but it makes the process infinitely easier for me. I'm sorry, editors, but my handwriting would never successfully reach you. I don't even have handwriting. It's mouthwriting: I sign things with a pen held in my mouth, which I do just fine. Anything beyond that, though, I'm not so great with. So the printer it is.

Anyway, I was talking about loving the mail. Most days I do. But today may cure me of that for good. In the box were the following:

  • a rejection from The Georgia Review, which is no big deal. Who don't they reject?
  • a letter from Hollins University, where I was up for a job, but now am not. At least I got my book back.
  • a rejection letter from University of Illinois Press regarding my manuscript. At least I got a handwritten note with it that said it was "a very compelling and distinctive collection." Except, uh, not compelling and distinctive enough.
So basically I was annihilated on all fronts. I think the only thing missing is an imaginary girlfriend dumping me. Any volunteers? C'mon, it's easy, lots of girls have done it, you can too!


To that end, I think I'm going to put myself up for auction. Basically a going out of business sale. Starting now, my smarts (ha!), my mad poetic skills, my awesome career prospects, my fame, my wealth, my undying love, all of it can be yours.

Do I hear one dollar?


Ali Davis said...

I got a reject from a contest today informing me that I was not a finalist, and, oh by the way, most of the finalists were "published and accomplished poets."

Which makes me feel like...what exactly?

mr smith said...

your funny paul. ide bid high if i had it. ide totally bid!
imaginary girlfriends can be pretty.

Suzanne said...

$50. Fifty dollars, I say!


Paul said...

Now you're talking, Suzanne!

Penultimatina said...

Bummer re: the non-good news, Paul. I'm right there with you.

Re: the envelopes, I was just pleading with my students to at least print labels when sending out submissions. Unless you have beautiful handwriting, I tend to equate handwritten SASEs with serial killers.

A little antiseptic works for me...