In celebration of our nation's birth, I'm going to treat you to my take on Transformers.
I'll get one point out of the way: it's not exactly horrible. Which for it is a huge victory and left me feeling like the movie wasn't half bad.
Except it's a Transformers movie. I can't describe to you the weirdness, the existential weirdness, of watching a Transformers movie. I sat there, thinking, I'm watching a Transformers movie. Really? Seriously. Get outta here.
It looks and sounds great. The effects set new bars for achieving photo-realism.
But, conceptually, I don't think it can be extricated from absurdity. Wait, the evil giant robots work on a kind of Godzilla level of destruction. But the good giant robots just can't exist in modern film, they can't rise above unbearable hokum: I think Optimus Prime told me to drink milk and listen to my parents at one point.
A scene of all the Autobots, the good guys, driving around in a part of California that apparently isn't California but a car commercial had me howling. I'm sorry, but a bunch of oddly mismatched vehicles (Camaro, semi-truck, ambulance, etc.) cruising around isn't awe inspiring. It just can't be. It looks like a traffic report.
There's just too much stupid here to discuss, even though it's entertaining enough, in its sledgehammer way. Go see Ratatouille.