Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Blurb

So in an act of optimism, I'm going ahead and requesting blurbs from people. Christopher Walken, a great actor and friend, agreed to do one:

Do you enjoy reading Paul Guest poems? I hope you won't be put off by my frankness when I tell you that I absolutely love them. In fact, I enjoy no poem more than a new Paul Guest poem.

Now, I've done a lot of movies, and it's true that I've worked with quite a few celebrities who did not share this opinion. I'm sorry to say that these people have always angered me. There are two types of people in this world: those who read Paul Guest poems whenever it is possible to do so, and those who opt to do other things with their free time.

Who do the latter think they are kidding? What pastime could be more rewarding than the reading of Paul Guest poems? I haven't yet found one, and I don't expect to in my lifetime.

Unlike other poems, Paul Guest poems can be read at any time, in any place, and it is not necessary to hide them. Now, I ask you: Why not read Paul Guest poems? They are fantastic. I carry a book of Paul Guest poems with me wherever I go. I read them whenever I get the urge, regardless of the circumstances. When I make a movie, my Paul Guest poems are my co-stars. If, in the middle of a scene, I decide I want to read a Paul Guest poem, I do so. I waste the director's time and thousands of dollars in film stock, but in the end, it is all worth it, because I enjoy reading Paul Guest poems more than I enjoy acting.

This bothers some people. I was supposed to portray Batman, but when Tim Burton learned of my Paul Guest poem cravings, he asked Michael Keaton to wear the cape. To this day, I am peeved about this.

When we filmed The Dead Zone, I read over 800 Paul Guest poems a day. It was necessary. My character needed to come across as intense as possible, and I found the inspiration for that intensity in my intense love for Paul Guest poems. The director, David Cronenberg, said that he would never work with me again. I kept reading Paul Guest poems when the cameras were rolling, and that seemed to bother him. I say fuck him. He doesn't even like Paul Guest.

I would like to end by emphasizing once again that I really like to read Paul Guest poems. If any of you people disagree, I loathe you. I despise you. Not only that, but I also despise all your loved ones. I want to see them torn to pieces by wild dogs. If I ever meet you in person, I'll smash your brains in with a fucking bat. Then we'll see who doesn't like Paul Guest.

--Christopher Walken

4 comments:

Radish King said...

This is funny as hell.

MisanthropicAnthropoid said...

I can envision his hand gestures while reading this.

Dango said...

I was gonna say that was funny as hell but rebecca beat me to it.

Dango said...

I was gonna say that was funny as hell but rebecca beat me to it.